I know it’s been a while since I wrote. It’s because I’ve been putting off announcing my decision to find Baxter a new home. I made the decision around Christmas-time and things have been happening so fast that I haven’t been able to keep up. So here’s a summary of the last month.
Decision
The meltdown was the first time I’d started to consider the idea that the departure training might never work. And ever since then, it’s been this insidious piece of sand in my brain growing bigger, creating more doubt, and screaming for attention.
So I think I was in denial for a long time. But at the same time, I truly felt I should at least give the medication (the last resort) a fair chance before calling it quits. When progress seemed to plateau with the medication, I just knew. I decided that I would find Baxter a new home after I returned from the Christmas holidays.
Furry Friends
There was absolutely no way I could just drop him off at a shelter and wish him luck. I had to be involved in finding the right (FINAL) home for him and know where he ended up. I also wanted to ease his transition to a new home as much as possible. And honestly I simply didn’t trust a shelter to find the right home for him. When I visited the shelter that fateful day, I feel that there were clear red flags with me (not intending to adopt a dog that day, away for work for 12 hours a day, single, plus he was clearly not an independent dog), and yet it was really rushed. To be fair, shelters are put in the hard position of trying to find homes for their dogs as soon as possible.
I decided to work with Furry Friends Rescue, a foster care organization. They also help people find homes for their pets (their Guardian Assist program). They are an experienced, well-organized, and well-networked group. I decided that I would try to consider myself as simply Baxter’s foster parent and I took care of him while we searched for his perfect home.
See Saw
It was really difficult coming to the decision. But once I did and made it real, it was a lot easier to accept than I thought it would be. I knew it was the right decision for me. I had reached a point where my life had come to a standstill. I barely ate out inside a restaurant in 9 months, I rarely went out with friends, I conducted incredibly efficient grocery store runs, I spent a fortune on daycare, I sped dangerously whenever I was running late on my hour commute to pick him up from daycare (before getting fined), I gained weight from poor eating and inactivity, and I felt bad whenever I asked a friend to watch him if I did have to do something alone.
I also knew it was the right decision for him. He wasn’t showing significant signs of improvement and generally was often nervous, worried I would leave him alone. He started showing signs of stress of even being left in the car for a minute.
I started thinking of all the things I would do when I could leave the house again. It was exciting to think about – sort of an exercise in gaining the perspective of not wasting moments in life anymore. But at the same time, I felt so incredibly guilty and helpless in deciding to make Baxter relocate to a new home yet again. It felt like I had totally failed him in my commitment to care for him, especially knowing how much he had bonded to me and depended on me. But I knew this was the right choice for giving him a happy, stable environment with a happy, stable owner.
First Dog
Obviously the first criteria for the new home was finding one where someone was home all or most of the time. It occurred to me that the perfect home for him was in the White House! The Obamas were looking for a rescue dog that doesn’t cause allergies (he doesn’t shed, does that count for being hypoallergenic??). He is a super well-behaved dog. No risk in embarrassing the new administration. He’s good around kids, loves people. And obviously someone would be home all day. I think Baxter would have made a fine First Dog.
Starting the Process
I emailed Furry Friends to ask for their help in finding a home for Baxter. I was contacted by Teresa, who I believe runs their south bay region. She gave me some initial information and said to come by Pet Club in Mountain View to meet her and square away paperwork. They do an adoption showcase every saturday from 1-4pm in front of Pet Club.
I came by and they had a bunch of cage partitions set up on the sidewalk with a dog and human in each one. I was surprised and encouraged by the amount of foot traffic. There were lots of people shopping and lots who were stopping to look at the dogs.
Teresa met Baxter. Of course he won her over and she exclaimed, “oh this is going to be easy!” I gave her a short profile I had written up on him. She said to email me pictures and would write up a description to post on the website that night.
She gave me a lot of tips on what questions to ask people who were interested and we discussed what kind of owner and home we were looking for. She said there are still a lot of homes where people are home all day: retired folks, stay-at-home moms, etc. We also felt it would be helpful to have someone with dog experience to help provide confidence to alleviate his separation anxiety. Also, we wanted someone who’s had dogs before and proven to commit to keeping them for their entire lifetime. Since we had a lot of specific things we wanted to know about prospective owners, she said she would ask everyone to fill out their adoption application first if they were interested since it contained most of the questions we would ask.
Showcase 1
A week went by and Teresa said she had heard some interest, but no applications so far. We came to Pet Club the next Saturday to sit in our first showcase. Baxter was a little confused as to why we were sitting around in a cage all day, but of course since I was there, he shrugged and eventually started napping. He got lots of attention (because he’s so damn cute of course!). In the beginning, one of the foster parents was dropping off a dog for the showcase and spotted Baxter. She was considering adopting a full-time dog and expressed interest. She would be a great home because she is home all day, already approved by Furry Friends, has dog experience. However she mentioned that her husband wasn’t interested in getting a dog.
I also talked to a retired woman who was looking at one dog but also liked Baxter. She is home all day and has had multiple dogs her whole life. I found out later that she too is a Furry Friends foster parent (currently not fostering). I was excited that there were already two promising homes that were interested.
At the very end of the showcase, a woman came up and started gushing over Baxter. She said she had a neighbor who was looking for a dog and he would be perfect for them. We chatted a little bit. Then she said SHE was starting to fall in love with him. She said she could bring a dog to work with her. Later Teresa told me that was not ideal. We wanted to find somewhere Baxter could be at HOME all day because work policies change or people change jobs, so that’s not a stable option. Teresa told her to go to the website and fill out the application if she or her neighbor were interested.
Showcase 2
Another week went by. Apparently the woman had not filled out an application. I was a little bit worried that the application was a barrier to finding someone. But Teresa said that it enabled us to know who was really serious. Especially because Baxter is so cute, it’s easy to find someone who instantly falls in love, but may not really be committed.
We came to the showcase the next Saturday. Once again, it was bustling and this time there were a lot of families interested in Baxter. The biggest issue was finding one with dog experience as well as someone being home all day. There was one family who asked me a lot of questions and kept lingering to look at him. Another family got really interested and ended up filling out an application. But they weren’t always home all the time and had never had a dog before.
Then another family came by and asked to say hi to Baxter. They said they’d seen him on the website and had come by to meet him. We chatted as their two little girls petted him. The parents wanted an active dog to fit their active lifestyle (triathalons, camping), but the girls wanted a smaller, mellow dog. One of the girls was afraid of dogs that jumped up. They were considering getting multiple dogs. I said Baxter wasn’t super active, but he’d probably do great camping.
The mom stays at home all day except for dropping off the kids to school in the morning and away for several hours on wednesday afternoons. I also found out that her mom in New Zealand owns a kennel and she’s grown up with lots of dogs. The dad was a little skeptical since he wanted a more active dog. The mom kept hinting at multiple dogs (which the dad said he was expecting after having seen her childhood home).
Apparently the family had already filled out an application a few months ago and they’d been looking for the right dog since. They had seen a couple of dogs before but they weren’t the right fit for some reason. That info was really great because they clearly had decided on adopting and finding the right dog. It wasn’t a rash decision.
Meanwhile Baxter was stretched out on the sidewalk getting petted by the entire family gathered around him. Finally the dad caved saying that he loved him too, and the family celebrated. They filled out the agreement to adopt him from me. And we decided to go to their home in San Jose the next day for the home visit (Furry Friends usually does that prior to adoption). Typically the home visit is the last step before completing the adoption and indicates it is a done deal.
Roller Coaster
As soon as we planned the time, filled out the paperwork, and the family walked into Pet Club to buy some treats, I was suddenly overcome with tears. I absolutely wasn’t expecting it to happen, but just knowing that he WAS actually going to leave and go to a new home brought all the emotions back out again. It was also shocking to know that it was going to happen so fast- in less than 24 hours.
When I initially talked to Teresa, she mentioned that some people do a gradual adoption meaning that the dog spends more and more time with the family instead of a single handoff. I had planned on doing this, but through a small misunderstanding, the family was expecting to have him 100% the next day. The reason I planned on this is because I wanted to make the transition as easy as possible for him.
I talked about it with Heather and Randy, the Furry Friends volunteer who was helping me through all this. We thought maybe just doing a handoff might be less confusing for him since he was going back and forth between two owners. So then I went home to prepare collecting all his things for the next day.
I kept going back and forth between feeling relieved that he found a great home and feeling really upset that he was leaving. I couldn’t believe how fast it was happening. I kept thinking that I hadn’t said enough to the family about his separation anxiety or asked enough about their lifestyle. Ultimately I really wanted him to find a home where he was going to be most successful (and live happily for the rest of his life), and I was extremely worried his new home would also not be able to deal with his separation anxiety thus giving him up again.
The Handoff
The next day, Randy picked me and Baxter up to drive us to the home. I was really worried that I would be a blubbering mess the entire time, and I didn’t want to make a huge scene. Partly because this was a happy day for the family and partly because I didn’t want to convey any negative feelings to Baxter.
The family has a home with a yard which is so great. Randy did the walkthrough, pointing out some potential hazards for dogs. Then we signed the paperwork making it official. Then I walked them through a bunch of Baxter’s habits, background, likes and dislikes, and showed them all of his stuff I had brought over and how they all worked. I was actually really calm and positive through the whole thing. But at the end when it was time to say goodbye, I could feel my front starting to crumble. I had said my goodbyes earlier by myself, so I just gave Baxter a nice pat to try not to make a big fuss of my leaving. We had his leash on since we knew he would try to leave with me. And then I just left.
First Days
So far the first 48 hours have been the hardest. I felt that irrational sort of grief that is just overwhelming. Even though logically it was positive – I had found him a wonderful, loving home and I could now get back to my life – I felt awful. I regret not doing the gradual adoption. I keep thinking of him trying to come to me as I left him. I think that would have been a better transition for him (and possibly for me too).
It’s been really painful going through all the steps I normally take with him there: driving into my garage, walking from the elevator to my front door, brushing my teeth, watching tv, eating breakfast, driving home from work. All of these things feel really empty now.
I know I’m going through a grieving period and that’s ok, but honestly when is it going to be over so I can move on to some enlightened peaceful state? I keep telling myself that I did indeed rescue him by finding him his forever home.
Besides the painful goodbyes to the dogpark, daycare, his groomer, and informing his vet, I’ve mostly spent as much time away from home as possible. The first night, I went to a movie and dinner with friends. The next day, I went all over running errands, doing leisurely shopping trips, ate in a restaurant, hiked the Dish. The next day after work I went out to dinner with a friend. The next night after work, I went to an aerobics class. The next night I went to an old co-worker’s house for dinner.
News
Several days after I brought him to his new family, Teresa emailed me to ask how I was and if I’d heard anything from the new family. I said that I hadn’t yet and anxiously awaited positive news. I also told her it was a lot harder than I was expecting now that it was all done. She emailed the family saying we’d love to hear how he was doing.
The mom emailed both of us back and let us know he was doing really well. He was still a little insecure and whined in the middle of the first night downstairs (I’m guessing out of confusion). But since then, he sleeps with them in the parents bedroom at night. He’s been staying close to the mom- she’s the primary caretaker and he’ll probably bond with her the most. Once, they had to leave him for a couple of hours so they put him in his crate. He showed signs of scratching to get out, but she said she peeked in the window when they returned and he was just sitting there. (Instead of being calm, I’m guessing that he heard them return so he sat alert, but he had probably barked and scratched the whole time. I decided not to share any of my theories with them. ) But all in all, they are amazed by how easy he is, how he leaves the cat food alone, and says he’s doing great.
As soon as I got that email, I felt a big pressure lift. I think just knowing that he was doing ok made me feel so much better.
Change and Hope
Every day seems to get a little easier, especially as I start to get used to doing my routine without him. I’m still waiting for that enlightenment though.
What’s interesting is that all of this has been happening during a time of renewal and change. By Jan 1, I had made the decision to give him up. I felt that I was putting 2008 behind me and looking forward to starting anew with 2009. It was exciting to think of the possibilities and opportunities.
At work we are wrapping up our 2008 focal reviews and setting our 2009 goals. It’s been a time of reflection and evaluation and expectations for the future.
And of course, we inaugurated Barack Obama two days after I brought Baxter to his new home. The palpable sense of change, hope, inspiration, and optimism just seemed to fit into all the emotions I was feeling.
I definitely don’t regret finding Baxter a new home. The whole Baxter experience from the beginning has been one of the most challenging and personal things I’ve ever gone through. Again, I’m trying to celebrate rescuing him from the shelter, giving him a comfortable and loving home, and then finding his true forever family. I look forward to having another dog in the future when the time and the environment is right. For now, my goal is to embrace that old cliche and live life to the fullest.
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